44 Weeks : Chapter 1 - Again

Rapunzel: “I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be? “

Flynn Rider: “It will be.”

Rapunzel: “And what if it is? What do I do then?

Flynn Rider: Well,that's the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.”

21.35 hrs. 

Adil’s four year –old’s eyes looked no less excited than Rapunzel’s, when she finally got to see Rapunzel see the light on their 48’’ LED TV in the living room. Tangled was her current favorite Disney movie.

He chuckled, first at his daughter, about her excitement. And a few seconds later, he was chuckling at his own self. He wasn’t four, when those lights had fascinated him. He was nineteen then but still such a baby at heart.  The ringing of the doorbell interrupted his brain’s command to press the “flashback” button to that year of his life. It was the guy delivering the week’s laundry. He paid him INR 75 and rushed towards his mobile phone, which had let out two distinct beeps. Email alert. The beautiful symphony of Rapunzel’s song on her boat was what his little one’s attention was rapt with. One email contained his travel tickets for next week. And the second beep was for the next e-mail, details of a new bid, which he was waiting on from Sweden since the last two hours. Four minutes into reading the contents of the email, and he wished he could be rowing on that boat like Rapunzel, albeit reality looked like it would be a real tough week ahead. He yawned, and he could hear the call of the muezzin from the public announcement system that was a few meters away. The curtains were soon drawing on another work-day. His brain was too tired to even attempt flashback mode. But the chuckle had faded in an instant. There was an unsettling feeling within.

23.29 hrs. 

Years went by. The initial few years were the dark tunnels that really did not have a light at the end. The next few years took him closer to the light and finally he felt that he had made peace with the past. Some people’s stories were worse, he knew. His wasn’t half bad, but it was still a demon that could shake him and he sometimes loved running away from the story. There weren’t too many reminders to take him back. But he was surprised how after so many years, this particular story from his early years was the last thought on his mind. And an unexpectedly lingering one, because sleep came after much effort, despite the weariness.

13.47 hrs. 

At the table in the cafeteria where his team usually sat to lunch, this group of giggly  young women from his team were having an animated discussion. While Adil consciously chose not to involve himself in their conversation, he overheard their excitement about an upcoming overseas trip, while focusing on his phone which had some texts on the messaging app, which he had not checked since the last 4 hours. One of the girls was sharing her plans to visit Thailand for a holiday, which would be her 1^st ever trip abroad. While she rattled off her itinerary, the rest of them were busy making their shopping lists for her to work on. He was focused on the hungry growling of this stomach and took 4 quick bites of the chicken sandwich. There were 31 unread emails from this morning waiting for his attention at his workstation, and this “first trip excitement” conversation was surprisingly less appealing than his mailbox. 14 mins in the cafeteria, swallowing his lunch meant he cared less about his break, not necessarily more about work, but just about “escaping” that discussion - which meant escaping a visit down memory lane.

17.20  hrs. 

Ironic. Just ironic. Adil caught himself cringing when he was booking his tickets to Stockholm, his third trip this year. The layover. He was blankly looking at the laptop screen for a few moments and when he realized he was day dreaming, and stopped, he cringed yet again. Why was the past suddenly haunting him? Why was his heart behaving so vulnerable to something that didn’t matter anymore in his new life? Why was it difficult to be brave now, when there was not situation at hand to fight? Sipping the crappy cappuccino from the mug he had refilled at the coffee-vending machine, he wondered, why his hormones or whatever it was that was responsible for causing this turmoil in him again had begun? Weren’t some chapters closed for good? Weren’t some files historic? Weren’t some movies only a one-time watch?  Bravery clearly was not a one –time affair. Bravery couldn’t be outlived, it only had to be re-lived. Even if the story was 19 years old now, every time his heart sent out waves to his mind in the form of tough emotions, he had to choose bravery to confront them, to battle them, to make peace with them. Growing older didn’t mean that you had better control. It only meant that you chose differently. And you had a lot of things to keep you occupied and help you, although unknowingly, move forward with life. He wanted to stop making his heart feel those feelings again. But it behaved like a child. Doing exactly opposite of what it was told. He realized, you choose to be different. But your heart will always be your heart. It doesn't grow. With that last sip of coffee, he knew he had to be adult again.

22.57 hrs.

Watching the video of “The Heart Wants What It Wants” by a popular female pop artist on YouTube alongwith his wife, right before calling it a day, only meant that this was not going to be easy.